I had a dream this morning that Matt came and visited me at the apartment.
I saw him and was surprised and acted happy. I was a little confused and a little cautious of the whole thing, but hugged him none the less. He hugged me back in a genuine manner and kissed me on the top of my head (like he used to when we were dating). I dismissed it as habit acting out and let it slide.
I took him into the kitchen and asked him how the hell he was doing. I still felt confused and cautious but was trying to go through the motions of being nice. He told me it had been almost two years since he had last seen me. At this point the conversation gets a little fuzzy for me. I think i confirmed that it had been a long time. Matt then asked me "you know why I did what I did, right?" I looked at him, not thinking he would be the one to bring up our break up.
"There was no other way to get you to go away."
i remember thinking after he said that "huh. you know, hes probably right..."
I woke up shortly after that.
Honestly i know that sounds harsh and all and I'm not really sure why i dreamed that (i haven't really been thinking about Matt lately, atleast consciously) but it feels kind of good to have dreamed it. Like there was no other way things could have happened, and if they hadn't happened the way they did, things wouldn't be like they are now. And i like things now.